The first full-length trailer for Fast & Furious 9 (officially titled F9) dropped today, and to be honest it’s difficult to talk or think about anything else. After watching it on repeat for the past several hours, I’ve dissected the trailer’s 7 greatest moments, which you will find below in convenient list form.
Han is Alive
Han (Sung Kang) is somehow back, alive and not a zombie or a Tupac hologram. At this point I would not be surprised if they wished him back to life with the Dragonballs, or simply drove so fast and so furious that they traveled back in time and rescued him. This is a fun reference to the time that Superman went too fast and too furious and spun the Earth backwards to resurrect Lois Lane. Also, Han himself couldn’t be less impressed with this turn of events.
John Cena is Visible
John Cena appears in F9 as Vin Diesel’s brother, which sounds like the second half of a prophecy. And as eagle-eyed fans have no doubt already noticed, he has chosen to make himself visible for the film. It’s unclear why Cena has allowed us to see him for this performance, but his visibility is likely instrumental to the story, and I’m excited to see what part his opaqueness has to play in the Fast and Furious saga. Also he fires a harpoon gun across what appears to be the entirety of Europe.
Vin Diesel’s Son is Wearing Shark Pajamas
Little Brian, Vin Diesel’s son with Michelle Rodriguez, is seen wearing shark pajamas, which is a clear reference to Diesel’s legendary Street Sharks hype video. Also, I firmly believe that Diesel’s 3 real-life children are actual Street Sharks, and will do no additional research to substantiate that claim beyond staring at a publicity photograph of Vin Diesel as XXX for 90 consecutive seconds.
Vin Diesel Blocks a Flipping Car With His Palms
We’ve seen Vin Diesel’s powers grow over the course of the Fast & Furious franchise, and his probable gamma irradiation has now mutated enough to allow him to slap 3,000 lbs of sports car out of the air like he’s playing volleyball. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s Vin Diesel.
It was certainly a bald man, and nobody else is allowed to be bald in a Vin Diesel movie. It’s the law. The car slap is one of several breathtaking action sequences we get a sneak peek of in the trailer, including several moments wherein he tosses his brother John Cena across a room and/or out of a building like a snack size bag of Funions. By the time the end credits roll, I fully expect Diesel to be outrunning every vehicle in the film by galloping on all fours like a cheetah.
Charlize Theron’s Haircut
Charlize Theron is back to try and turn family against family once again. We see her locked in a Hannibal Lecter / Magneto cage, sporting a tubular haircut that radiates bodacity with every turn of her head. It’s the haircut of every little league player in 1993, and she looks ready to challenge the Fast & Furious gang to a keepsies game of Pogs. She puts that fabulous mane behind the wheel of a magnetic stealth bomber at one point, scooping John Cena’s car safely out of the air as he jumps across a chasm between two cliffs on the Na’vi homeworld of Pandora.
Several Cars Can Fly
The Fast & Furious 9 trailer revealed that this latest installment will continue the series’ tradition of granting Vin Diesel’s cars the power of flight. Fans were no doubt relieved to see Diesel drive his captive wife Michelle Rodriguez straight into miles of open sky to catch the villainous John Cena, a move he has been perfecting since he defeated a collapsing parking garage by jumping his car off of the roof. Also, Tyrese Gibson drives a Pontiac strapped to a rocket engine, which is another car blessed with the gift of Icarus. And Ludacris pilots a Jeep up a collapsing rope bridge, because the laws of physics have never been welcome in the Fast Saga.
Helen Mirren Takes Vin Diesel to a British Sex Party in a Shiny Purple Car
Helen Mirren joined the Fast & Furious gang as Jason Statham’s crime boss mother, and she shows up in this film to escort Vin Diesel to a Royal Eyes Wide Shut party in a chrome purple Fastmobile. Also at the party is John Cena, who launches into a fierce gun kata fight with Diesel while wearing one of MC Hammer’s suits. Every fight between these two hulks looks like a clip from Michael Bay’s Transformers, and while we’re on the subject, I estimate that there’s a 60% chance one of the cars in this film turns out to be an Autobot. Meanwhile, there’s a 65% chance that Vin Diesel himself will transform into a car. I base this both on the presence of Bumblebee alumnus John Cena, and on the fact that shape-shifting vehicles is one of the few stones the Fast & Furious franchise has yet to turn.
F9 explodes into theaters May 22. In the meantime, allow your hype to build to dangerous degrees by reading Sung Kang’s thoughts on Han’s return to the series and checking out this interview with John Cena about the film.